Code Navy is what I call it.
That sinking feeling after a few days of feeling a bit blue and suddenly things spiral out of control and you’re starting to see black.
I’ve suffered these episodes my entire life, fighting them off by being loud, proud and ‘funny’ in the hope no one will see the black hole growing inside me.
There’s been times where I was too tired to fight it off. Exhausted from the front I built up, the lie I was telling the world… I’d be desperate to turn everything off. Those ‘stop the world I want to get off’ moments.
The waiting list for psychiatric help is long, so long it can seem like it’ll never come.
So far, I’ve either managed to fight my way towards the light at the end of the tunnel… or someone has come into the dark to pull me out. And the NHS has, despite it’s lack of resources and funding for mental health, been amazing once I’ve got the help I’ve needed.
It’s lonely when I get bad. Sometimes I felt there was no one to listen and no where to turn. Telling friends or family can make you feel like a burden. But there are places you can turn while you wait. Help isn’t easy to ask for, which is why I started this blog. To talk about my journey and experiences, in the hope it’ll help others.
If you find yourself in the dark and feeling lost, there are people out there with torches ready to find you.
If you want to talk, 116 123 will get you a friendly ear at the Samaritans.
Talking can feel daunting, which is why I’ve found the Big White Wall my sanctuary at a dark moment. I cannot begin to describe how much it has helped me during Code Navy.
It can be hard to seek help, no matter how ‘minor’ or ‘silly’ it feels, talk about it.
It gets easier. I promise.